A story by David Stea
In November 2016 Donald Trump was elected President of the United States. While he received few votes in the Northeast and Pacific Coast, and barely carried the Midwest and Mountain States, he did get the overwhelming majority of the votes cast in the former Confederate States of America, enough to swing the electoral college and assure his election.
Elated and energized by his victory, the new President lost no time in putting his ideas into action. By the beginning of the New Year, 2017, he was well on the way to assembling his Cabinet. Sarah Palin, given her expertise on Russia, was his clear choice for Secretary of State, with the proviso that Dick Cheney be recalled from retirement as a special consultant.
President Trump wanted to reward those who had competed for the Republican nomination. A new Cabinet position was created: Secretary of Migration, Immigration, and Naturalization, for which he first considered Ted Cruz, then selected Jeb Bush as the logical choice because of his position on “anchor babies” (Bush’s first order of business was to examine the need to amend or repeal the 14th Amendment of the Constitution). Ben Carson was chosen as Secretary of Health, Education, and Welfare (a Cabinet position from which the words “education” and “welfare” were subsequently deleted), and James “Jim” Inhofe, who had once stated that climate change was a hoax, as Secretary of the Department of Environment and Economic Growth (formerly Secretary of the Environment). Other positions remained to be filled.
Ted Cruz became Director of the Environmental Protection Agency, and Rand Paul the Director of the Office of Management and the Budget. Upon hearing of his selection, Paul was heard walking out whistling the tune of Groucho Marx’s song “I’m against it”.
In his early months in office President Trump outlined major priorities for his inaugural year in office. First on the agenda was applying the “domino theory” to the Middle East: Trump stated that Representative Alan Grayson had used the term. He proposed adding Grayson to his team until a member of his Staff informed him that Grayson was a Democrat -- also, that Grayson was in fact opposed to applying the domino theory to the Middle East.
The second and third items on his agenda were concerned with undocumented immigrants and finishing the Wall on the southern border of the USA. The fourth was to stay in touch with his electorate by resurrecting Franklin Roosevelt’s “fireside chats”, which he proposed to present monthly on Fox News. The first chat, on the possibility of moving the National Capital from Washington to Atlantic City, was cancelled.
In early February Donald Trump politely informed Mexico’s President, on Facebook, that Mexico was to pay for the Wall, to which he received no reply. Two weeks later a one-word message appeared: “NUTS” – reminiscent of the Battle of the Bulge. President Trump was astonished and offended that Mexico would refuse an order by the world’s only major power. He was about to ask the Secretary of Defense what to do about the possibility of an invasion to force compliance when he was informed by another member of his Staff as there was no Secretary of Defense since he had not yet filled that Cabinet position.
As an alternative, knowing how important corn was to Mexico, he demanded at Congress impose an embargo upon the export of corn to Mexico, in order to force payment for the Wall. This was passed by the Republican Congress, but backfired when Mexican peasants, who had earlier been impoverished by the now-illegal importation of corn, began to grow maize once again, improving the general health of the population
President Trump next began to take action to move eleven million undocumented immigrants and their children south of the border. He generously donated his private plane to accomplish the task, but was informed that even using larger planes, accommodating 100 of these illegals on each flight, it would take 110,000 flights to accomplish this task, or about 1200 flights a day, amounting to about one flight per minute, every 24 hours, over the proposed three-month period.
The idea of air evacuation was dropped in favor of using bulldozers to facilitate evacuation on land. Dick Cheney, special consultant to the Department of State (called “Lon Cheney” by some wags), had been elevated to Secretary of Defense. He proposed that a consortium headed by Halliburton and Bechtel (cooperating with General Motors and Chrysler) could manufacture in short order 100,000 bulldozers to accomplish the task.
The first production run of bulldozers was ready in early April, to be deployed in South Texas, but it proved difficult to locate undocumented aliens, since they did not register their addresses. But additional forces were seconded to the Department of Homeland Security, and by mid-May they had managed to round up about 100,000 of them in South Texas.
Unfortunately instead of fleeing across the border in the wake of the bulldozers, these recalcitrants simply locked arms and sat down. They just wouldn’t move. When asked why they said that even if they wanted to move toward the border, which they didn’t, the Mexican government had callously denied them entry.
The weather was getting hot. Many local folks began to aid the potential deportees by supply them with food, water, and even tents. Soon, tent cities began to spring up along the Texas-Mexican border. Enfuriated, Rick Perry, new head of the Department of Homeland Security, immediately tripled the number of border control officers and ordered them to remove the tents and those who had donated them. When this proved an onerous and difficult task, military troops were recalled from the token force in Iraq and put to work preventing food and water being provided to the illegals and their children, and breaking up sympathetic demonstrations.
Meanwhile, back in the Middle East, the reduction in troop numbers had scarcely been noticed, as most of Iraq and Syria were now under the control of ISIS. Cheney suggested to President Trump that bombing raids were in order, but Prime Minister Netanyahu of Israel said that more ground forces would be needed to defeat ISIS, which meant that the long-dormant draft would have to be reinstated. As in the time of America’s Civil War (now officially labeled, courtesy of Bobby Jindal, “the War of Northern Aggression”) there were draft riots in New York and other cities. Secretary Perry then sent the National Guard to these cities to put down the terrorists, as they came to be called. With so many domestic terrorists, Perry was able to ask, and receive from Congress, additional funds for Homeland Security.
President Trump, to his credit, saved the day. In July, to ameliorate the near-catastrophic border problem, he issued an executive order offering amnesty to the undocumented immigrants camped along the border if they would volunteer for military service in the Middle East. Believing (mistakenly, as it turned out) that the heat over there couldn’t be any worse than a summer in south Texas, many took advantage of this generous offer, leaving their children behind. The number of tents was thus reduced, and the few adults who remained then had the task of taking care of all the children. A chain-link fence was built around each of the tent cities, converting it into a concentration camp, or, as Homeland Security called it, resurrecting a term from a half-century earlier, a “strategic hamlet” In this way, inmates, called “residents”, were prevented from returning to their previous residences elsewhere in the USA.
In the end, it was nature that solved the problem. Fierce hurricanes lashed the border regions, obliterating many of the strategic hamlets and their inhabitants. As the possibility of climate change impacts had been refuted (even to utter the words was illegal in Florida, parts of which were submerged under three feet of water) no preparations had been made and floods inundated the rest of the area. President Trump took advantage of the event and the consequent reduction in the population of illegals to don a flak jacket and declare “mission accomplished!”