So, I’m watching a moment of TV the other night and a dead serious “reporter”, his voice leaning forward as if borne by the winds of an historic development, is laying out the advice offered up by some crackpot to his followers. The “reporter” has worked up an intensity worthy of news from Marathon. The crackpot is advising us to look to our ammo, our larders, our physical fitness, our arsenals and to begin forming small arms fire teams. He suggests that we begin checking on our neighbors presumably to determine which should be on the fire teams, which should be shot and which we can safely leave in peace. The purpose of the report is, I suppose, to leave me vaguely anxious. I suppose this since the “reporter” says nothing about what the crackpot wants leaving us to wonder who has invaded. Not important perhaps although some idea of what we are up against might help motivate my preparations. I could work on the ammo and arsenal since I have neither. The larder? Not a bad idea. Canned goods and water, I guess. Physical fitness? Well, that’s been an ongoing project. I could step it up a little. But a reason for doing any of this now would be helpful. Is he predicting the closure of gun and ammo shops, of grocery stores and of fitness centers? How shall I explain to my wife the acquisition of a small armory, the laying in of more canned goods than the pantry will accommodate and the new gym membership? You don’t want to know the look I would get if I told her our freedoms were threatened and I needed these things to help defend them. She would probably tell me that that was fine and so I would surely understand her need to get some new dresses for the party celebrating the successful defense of these freedoms. There is going to a party isn’t there?

I am also wondering exactly how to approach this business of checking on my neighbors. I’m trying to imagine catching my neighbor across the street in his garage and working our conversation around to small arms fire teams. “Bob (not his real name), a few of us are forming a small arms fire team and I was wondering if you would be interested in joining us.” He’d probably tell me he’d love to but that he’s really busy right now. Bob’s nice that way. But he might ask: “What the hell for?” And I’m not sure I feel comfortable responding with the threatened freedoms thing. It would be nice to have something a little more concrete. How to bring up the physical fitness business could also be a bit tricky. “Bob, looks like you’ve been putting on a little weight.” I’m not sure where that conversation would go or how I would work it around to the importance of being fit enough for a forced march or two.

I would probably have my wife deal with the larder matter. She is absolutely brilliant at getting things to look like they just came up in conversation. But even she might find it challenging to get Emma, Bob’s wife, (not her real name) to fill a couple of large carts at Costco. Still if anyone can do it, she can.

I have given a lot of thought to trying to determine which neighbors should be enlisted and which should be shot. I’m thinking bumper stickers might be a good measuring stick. Probably I could start my recruiting with the “Proud to be American” folks. The “War is not the Answer” crowd would surely go on the blacklist. I’m just not sure what to do about the “I love my Pekinese” people?

I’m pretty unsatisfied with the reporter who brought all of this to my attention. You would think that he would at least have asked the crackpot what he wanted people to do all of this preparation for. He did the who, what, where and when. He just left out the why. A little more guidance would be helpful. I just hope it isn’t one of those either you get it or you don’t things. And I’m wondering if my health insurance covers vague anxiety or wounds incurred defending unnamed endangered freedoms. Then again, maybe I could get a break on my homeowner’s insurance if I’m really well armed.

Not to make light of this arming and witch-hunting business. When democracy breaks down because the other side has more votes, real patriots evidently have to decide which is more important: the first amendment or the second.