I regret not investing heavily in patriotic automobile paraphernalia after 9/11. Someone made a killing and it pains me to consider that it could have been me. From bumper stickers to magnetized rubber ribbon loops to attachable little flags to window decals ... the roadways blossomed in patriotic fervor. There were times when I thought I must have gotten caught up in a parade. And as matters progressed and W. picked a country to attack, rather than fade like some passing fancy the fervor transformed with much the same paraphernalia simply expressing fresh sentiments. In short, the business produced quick profit and then delivered on the promise of steady income.

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Predating this springtime of patriotic blooms was, of course, the American flag lapel pin. There are a lot of things that you can’t do with the flag without incurring an angry backlash. But, evidently, if you fashion it into a lapel pin, you are on safe ground. Indeed, that lapel pin has become something of an official badge. Wear one and you are a solid American. Don’t wear one and you are suspect. This is especially true if you are running for office. People running for office leave their lapel unadorned at their own risk. I am waiting for some of the automobile paraphernalia to achieve the same status. Solid Americans will be known by their flag decals. When this happens I’m going to feel really bad. Quick profit, steady income and now: Guaranteed income.

I suppose there is some practical use for the lapel pins and, perhaps, the flag decals. If you get lost wearing a suit or driving your car, they will know what country to send you to. But other than that all of this paraphernalia has no practical use. And while finding some such use is a worthwhile undertaking, at the moment it seems pretty hopeless. But you can imagine the possibilities if a practical use is found. It gives me nightmares. If they do find one, watch out Bill Gates.

I don’t know who is employed making these items. I hope it’s Americans, but it’s probably Chinese. They are really good at a lot of things and especially at making trinkets. Most of the decorations we buy at Christmas are made in China. I often wonder what the lady grinding out product in some provincial, backwater factory must think of Santa Claus ceramics. We do need a law about where flag lapel pins can be made. Maybe they should only be made at one of the government mints. The Chinese can still make knock-offs and the automobile stuff, but we will be able to tell which people are wearing genuine pins and which are wearing the fakes. If we have suspicions, we can ask them to remove their pins so the back can be checked for the mint markings. I’m opposed to having grades of pins, but I suppose the insecure and the rich will need someway to show off and a few gems on the pins could be offered as an upgrade.

I read somewhere that Obama made a public appearance without wearing one and, as you might expect, there was comment. It didn’t happen again. Imagine the scene if the President had to address the nation on TV about some really important issue like he’d picked some other country to attack because someday it might be a threat. And at the last minute they realized he wasn’t wearing his pin. Maybe they keep a big supply on hand for just such emergencies. Or maybe an aide would say: Here, Mr. President, use mine. But just suppose that in the excitement of the moment they didn’t realize that his lapel was naked. He goes on TV, gives his speech and then the commentators come on to tell you what the speech meant. You think for one moment they wouldn’t comment on the naked lapel. They might even conjecture about the meaning of it. It would be like Janet Jackson at the Superbowl.

People take this stuff very seriously. I saw a friend the other day who was wearing one and I asked him if he was afraid of getting lost. He wanted to know what I meant and so I explained about the practical use for flag lapel pins. He was not amused. In fact, he was sort of miffed. He said quite seriously that he wore it because he was proud to be an American. He actually said that. And he said it with a very serious ‘this-conversation-is-over’ kind of look.

I always thought you were supposed to take pride in accomplishments. You know, you do something and are happy with the results. Most of the things I take pride in are pretty small and ordinary. They won’t be recorded in public monuments, but thinking about them and the moments in which they occurred brings a smile to my face. If I were to try to describe them, most folks would probably frown and wonder about how low I had set my sights. But most folks don’t know what I’ve found easy and what I’ve found hard. I do.

What I don’t understand is how you can take pride in something you had nothing to do with. I was born in America. My being an American is an accident of birth. It just happened. How do you take pride in an accident of birth? As it has turned out, it was a lucky accident. I’ve never wanted for food, shelter, or clothing. So I’m lucky to be an American. But proud? Certainly not in a personal sense.

Well, you say, aren’t you proud of the accomplishments of Americans? Don’t you take pride in what we have achieved together as Americans? Well, I think some of the stuff is good and some of it is pretty bad. It’s a pretty mixed bag. I don’t think we’re particularly worse than other people, but I don’t think we’re particularly better either. I mean when you start out by stealing a people’s land and then slowly killing them off you don’t have much of a foundation for pride to build on. No, the theft and murder part leave you a lot of work just to get back to even. Keeping people in slavery for a long time and then keeping them in some sort of second-class limbo for a long time, isn’t particularly admirable either and certainly isn’t a matter for pride. Have we progressed? Sure. But we have a long way to go and we certainly aren’t to the pride place yet. What about putting ourselves to getting to the moon in a decade and doing it? That was good. Feel good about that. Take pride. Wear a Moon lapel pin. But you wear a flag lapel pin and you are going to have to take the good and the bad. Some of it you can smile about, but some of it you should be hanging your head and crying about. If you want to take the credit, you have to take the blame. We’d all be saints if we got to forget about the bad we’ve done and only keep the good.

Of course, I write from the perspective of a Euro-American. African-Americans, Native Americans, Latin Americans and Asian Americans will have different takes. Indeed, some of them might make a legitimate claim to pride. But it is the Euros who seem to be pushing the flag pins and the pride. The Euros seem to have a thing about badges and flags and little pieces of metal dangling from ribbon. I don’t know what it is. I wish I could explain it.

I have little doubt that my grandfather would have found the whole lapel pin thing ridiculous and he is my standard for plain, common sense. Of course he never wore anything that had a lapel, but even so he would have found it childish, superficial and downright un-American. It’s stuff for children. It’s the paper stick-on badge they give kids who visit the fire station. It’s not the sort of thing that grown-ups do, and it’s certainly not the sort of thing grown-ups take seriously. I just wish Grandpa had had the foresight to invest in them.